Retrospective

So, about Prague... Apparently we've just crossed the halfway point of our semester. Mixed feelings, obviously, but I've been thinking about this experience as a whole over the past few days. I think I have to air some grieviences to sort out thoughts out.

Things are more relaxed now than they were in September, but I feel like I'm preoccupied by how much I'm really "enjoying" my time here. Don't get me wrong off the bat, I'm really glad I've gone through all of the trouble to study abroad here and adjust to living in a new place. I've asked many more questions and learned so much here that I would never have back at Tufts for another semester. I can't believe that I spent a weekend making apple cider in Austria or that I'm just jetting off to Madrid on Wednesday. I love wandering through new neighborhoods, passing Prague Castle on a daily basis, and trying out new bars. I feel good practicing Czech despite all of my stuttering, and I know it's good to challenge myself and that I would never get this chance if I stayed in Medford for four straight years. In other words, I'm having a good time.

But let me say this outright - I honestly don't feel more attached to Prague than I would to any other city that you randomly plopped me down in in Europe.

I feel as though you're almost prohibited to say that as a study abroad student, like I'm not allowed to feel that way. In fact, it's hard for me to even admit it here, and I'll be honest, I've consciously omitted some negative stories and feelings because it seems like I'm supposed to. And again, it doesn't mean that I don't like it here by any means or even that the majority of my experiences have been bad (quite the opposite). I just feel as though before going abroad, all I heard was "Ohmigosh, Paris was AMAAAAAAZING! I can't stand being back in the States anymore." And a friend of mine here said that after a weekend of traveling, she always feels relieved "to come home to Prague." I don't really feel that passionately.

I'm ambivalent about this past weekend, and I feel like it's representative of a lot of my Prague experiences. Wednesday evening with my class's open mic night was a lot of fun. I enjoyed wandering around the city on my own on Thursday, and we went out to a few bars on Thursday evening. But we wandered around aimlessly in the cold before deciding where to go, before ending up at a mediocre bar and going to our usual cafe, ending the evening around one. Halloween was similar, I went to a party thrown by some students in my program, then we all tried to go out afterwards. Again, my night ended after a lot of wandering and giving up around 1:30 or 2. It didn't help that Prague doesn't really celebrate Halloween, so it was awkward to go anywhere all dressed up in costume. Saturday, I went to a mediterranean/middle eastern food restaurant with Maya, Caity, and Chris, toured Prague Castle (one of two days a year that it's open to the public), then went to a jazz club later that night. Sunday was more or less a lie-around-the-apartment-in-my-pjs sort of day. All day... I tried to get some of my homework done in advance so I won't have to worry about in next weekend. And I learned how to make french toast.

So overall, it was a nice weekend. But there are two thoughts that keep clouding my perception of weekends like this:

1) What would I be doing at Tufts this weekend? It's a form of self torture when I check photos on facebook from back at school. It's selfish, but most people I know here feel like it's hard to accept that life goes on back on campus without them. This weekend was especially bad with Halloween. At Tufts, it's pretty much a three night long affair, and I saw all the pictures of my friends and their parties, which was awful after such a disappointing Halloween here. I miss curling up on Sundays with my homework on the third floor on the campus center for hours, with cup after cup of coffee or tea. And I could go out to a jazz club or try mediterranean food back in Boston too. Not to mention, back at school, my body would actually allow me to sleep in until noon and cath up, instead of waking up around 8 AM after not falling asleep until really late.

At the end of the day, I find myself subconsciously/consciously asking myself if I could have done the same activities had I been back at school. After a night out, would I have enjoyed myself more at a party with my friends back at school? I feel as though I constantly need to be having a better time than I would back home, which is not only really hard because Tufts is such a great environment for me, but also, it's a really silly thing to be worrying about as it is.

2) The obligation of what I *should* be doing, broken down into two specifics:

A) Cultural adaptation, or figuring out what Prague is really about. I only have three weekends left in Prague, maybe two. I still can't really order food at a restaurant in Czech. I haven't been to a single museum. I haven't really figured out what it's like to be Czech, or found the best goulash in the city. I don't have much time left to get my laundry list of Czech things done, and I feel like I've wasted my weekend because my lagging cultural obligations haven't been filled. I was too tired and apathetic on Saturday and Sunday to go to the Mozart Museum or National Museum, although I guess I feel a little better about seeing Prague Castle.

But then, I sit back and think, "If I don't see every museum or finally settle on my "favorite cafe," am I really going to be upset about this when I get home?" I guess probably not... And trying to see all of these things is a pretty tourist-y notion. I don't obsess about how I've never gone on a Duck Tour back in Boston. I'm preoccupied with trying to figure out how a normal Czech student lives, and they don't stress about lounging around the house for a few hours, just as I wouldn't as a student back home. But then, I'll always have Boston, and may not be back in Prague for a long time.

Also, I constantly feel guilty when I hear about friends' crazy adventures in rural China and Chile, crazy clubbing in Madrid, and living with host families. Am I supposed to be doing that? And how much "culture" can I really expect to comprehend while living in a city? After spending that weekend in Austria, I half just want to stay there. Live with a family, escape the pressures of having to see everything in the city, experience what it's like to live like a normal person in a different country...

B) And, the obligation of having to have fun at every moment. I feel like I constantly have to live up to all the great study abroad stories I heard before I left. Also, sitting down in Czech class today, a bunch of the girls were talking about how awesome of a weekend they had and how they plan on going out again tonight. I'm already crabby from sleeping so terribly this weekend, I can't imagine going out again tonight and waking up at 7:30 the next morning. And my weekend was nothing special. But then I feel bad for not "having the time of my life" and partying all the time because we're studying abroad and it's what we're supposed to do.

I've talked about this one or two times with other people, and found that they often feel similarly. The fact that people think that they can't talk about negative experiences only perpetuates the worry about being the only one not having fun all the time.

***

Alright, so all of this is getting pretty intense. Often, I worry that I worry too much about all of this. Part of me also tells my brain to stop obsessing and just relax, travel, and not set goals for myself. I'm in Prague, after all, why not just enjoy what's around me when I feel like it, and celebrate that plane tickets are so cheap to so many of the cities I've been wanting to visit. And this includes not worrying about traveling too much or even not being able to travel enough. Yes, I worry about both.

I'm going to focus on this week instead of being so retrospective. I'm trying to get all of my shambles under control before I leave to Madrid (in two days!!), so unfortunately (or fortunately?), tackling Czech culture is going to have to go on the back burner for a few days.

A more positive update soon, I just needed to get that out there :)